If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.