Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
This is a sub tweet
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect