I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Swedish for common sense.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*