I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”