I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.