Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
#Caturday
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.