We need to put an American base on the sun
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
What flavor cupcake are these
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”