Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69