I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Meeeee too!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
sir, my pâté if you please
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?