Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors