A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter