MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.