Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.