Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
ugh not again
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY