Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don鈥檛 know what to do with this student
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Kid: I don鈥檛 like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don鈥檛 like chicken nuggets anymore.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I would like even faster food.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 馃槏馃槏
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.