Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Facebook memories be like
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Sharon I have some bad news
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.