My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?