Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“A little help here, Danny?”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom