[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
This will never not be funny 😭
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*