My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women