🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏