Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
🙂🙃🥹
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Name another movie that mislead you?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
shit just got real
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
english majors be like furthermore
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.