Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.