Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”