wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
This dude got his own movie?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭