*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.