Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush