Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it