I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS