Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*