Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this