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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
How dude HOW?!
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Customer is always right
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?