We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
You Might Also Like
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Ironic
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Guilty! 🤪
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.