Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
bout dat hot dog summer
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety