“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*