*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
yall want some gasoline milk
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Venn
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?