Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.