Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
#titanic
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.