Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho