[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Hmmmmm
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again