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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan