[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
You Might Also Like
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore