*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
mentally somewhere in italy
Meow
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.