“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I have so many questions.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now