“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
You Might Also Like
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
When does CPR become necrophilia?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.