After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.