My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.