Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.