[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me