Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.